New York Guys Around With Braces

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

First is the Worst - Corner Light - The Quickening


We're out of the hospital. It's over. The things that happened there are over.

A list of updates after these years in training:

1. Nothing staves off bloat. You open yourself up to it by being born. We held on to Stephen through the worst of it, but he grew and grew and we had to hack away at the soft additions. He was a good boy. A changeling. The club needed officiating and the God stuff was tolerable. I'm just sorry for the loss of his thoughts. We all loved his "tawny" trail mix, but I called and got the recipe from his grieving mother.

2. Good works are good works, ho ho ho. But lay off the sissy-talk, all of you.

3. New meeting times to account for the travel back and forth to "South" Brooklyn. Attend to your arrangements accordingly. Hack away at the velvet rope binding your vestments. Snow or no, garbage needs to be mopped to the curb, and you have cats to feed all over the city. They don't feed themselves. And wipe the grin off your face, or a penalty session is non-optional on your way out the door.

4. Sorting through the mail, there's a list of pledges that require group scrutiny. Read before next Wednesday's down-home meeting:

Bottom-line feasible candidates:

R. Chan: He's a runner (for pleasure), small-time income tax evader, and pet-lover. He is over 25, and includes a photo of the "hard time" he spent helping out on trips to the Midwest.

V. Newton: Basically a waste. We need a fatboy to kick. He has deplorable habits and we had to pay the remaining postage for his application on delivery. We will smash him like a flat fat doormat.

Nanny Rodgers: It's inconceivable how this is going to work, but she's been unemployed for six months, and says she can cook. I'm not re-writing our charter or anything, but in these times. In these times we need our ocean spray opened like any other. She is my plan. I take full responsibility. I have spoken directly with Doctor Eight.

4. He is preparing his thoughts.

Be afraid. Dust off. The penal pleasures are not without consequences.

Signing Off,
Rory Thompson
Hard-2 Deputy, NYGA\B

Thursday, February 14, 2008

NYGA\B on the Issues: Brotherly Love

What a crock of hot wet! Take it from the belly of the beast and hold it up to circumspection – that shit is made up.

Really now. This is our mission. Comparing and sharing without complaints, but there are lonelyhearts out there gnoshing on baked snacks, imagining a scene from My Little Pony but with people.

“Here, have some of what I’ve got....”

“Of course you may cut me in line...”

“Uh huh, I’d be more than happy to try to meet my goals by using your new automated answering system instead of talking to a living breathing human being that was grown in a family way.”

Take it from the experts. The world turns because of fateful agreement and compromise, not goodwill grapesharing. Humans are infected with the desire to see tender cords limning between themselves and others whose deficiencies they can easily identify. Weak people invent ideas like “magical spells” and “kindness for kindness’ sake.”

This men’s club is an alliance caulked by a pecking order. Service is necessarily the turgid boundary of these boys’ natural reckless terms. We do not serve a function. We are the function.

Love one another? A destiny of love? Park the cruise ship at Pier 61 please. The North American blood bank is having a donor’s event, and the NYGA\B will assist with parking. Drain them dry and ask them if they feel the love as the light goes out in their eyes.

Your Friend,
Doctor Eight

(Typed and Proofed: Ogden)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Licensed Products

Available soon. Proceeds to be equally divided between the Tea Lounge tip jar and "Pudding-for-Profit" a local initiative designed to support housebound Seniors, which actively attempts to pry their cold fingers from the "cookie jar" on top of the fridge. This club doesn't run on fumes and goodwill. Are we going to let them get buried with that money?

(Not reviewed by Doctor Eight)

Monday, December 17, 2007

Paranoia: The Knife Blade Slides Neatly, Parting Your Progress Like a Hair-Line

In the wake of our recent losses, whereby one was taken and one took, some muttering was noted during weekly pasta. The big looming jilt is: what’s next? Something weird has gotten weirder. Juniors astonish themselves by licking that lizard called doubt. You won’t get high, this is New York.

Stephen was nothing but a stiff board. In nautical days, that was a rudder-an over-rated piece of mystery. He is imminently replaceable, but put your chin on the bar you Juniors, leadership comes from within. Doctor Eight just makes the rules.

The feeling like bugs is paranoia. Weak ones change into that pair of hose. If a picture or collection of words in your head repeats in a menacing way, you’re paranoid. This goddamn thing can bury you and place your connection to this classic club in a perilous position. You are obviously paranoid.

Pets can help with your problem because they’re always pretty much the same. Asking a hot question over and over again gives up your position, and also gets you kicked out of the most important club of your life. Don’t look at me.

Things aren’t perfect. If they were, there would be no one to help.

See the Future,
Doctor Eight


Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Looking for: A "Second in Command" A Hearbreaking Demotion

It was Stephen's imperative to not only follow NYGA\B dictum, but carefully polish it with action and responsibility. Last evening's antics did neither, and in a clearly altered state, he disgracefully fondled this club's most careful protocols.

This will be settled inside.

Stephen, you were like a son to me.

A son.

Doctor Eight
(Transcribed and Typed:Ogden)

Friday, November 23, 2007

NYGA\B on the Issues: “Vegetarian Eating”

Dietary restrictions are a popular way to start a conversation. The NYGA\B must pop our head through the door just to say: Stop pushing your vegetarian ways around the deck like slop-water!. Have you ever paid to watch a movie in a theater and reached for your belt on account of other customers back-talking the projection? “Oh no.” “Don’t do that!” “I don’t understand what’s going on.” “This is so fake.” “I hate him.” Who are those people, and who gave them a golden pass? Goddamn vegetarians.

We’ve looked at books. Mostly, they say: go on and eat that meat. There is a rich tradition there, and if you’re a bit peckish about preparation, swell your eyes acres bigger than your stomach. You won’t regret it, little guy. You don’t have to listen to them-you never did. They would live in colonies if allowed, doing chores for each other and shit.

Different schools of thought hash out the works. Don’t let it get you down: Eat the meat.

(Pending Approval: Stephen for D.E.)

“Changing Course....” or “The Future of Farming Young Men: New Impartial Correspondent Sebastian Documents Dave’s Dream and the Deep Forest"

S: I am Sebastian. No one knows me.

St: I am Stephen. I speak carefully, and relate action. Doctor Eight is sitting beside me. Tell me about yourself.

S: I am a prospective junior from Geeseytown, outside Hollidaysburg, outside Altoona.

St: Enough! We found him on our trip and now he will ask the prepared questions.

S: Uh...What were you doing all the way out here....in the woods?

St: We regrouped under the standard of chapped and sworled grieving. We lost a man and found him again. I saw fish in a dam! There is no question that it was a first rate adventure but also a parable of our times. We killed the beast. We cut his throat. We spilled his blood.

S: Do you have a Blair County hunting license?

St: I gave you a paper with questions. I gave you instructions.

: Stephen.


S: What did you eat out there?

St: We made our own food! I grill, and fiercely. Vegetables take more time than meat. Doctor Eight took the single room and wrote on his vintage secretary table, longhand. When we ate there was no secrecy. Then we attended a Sunday supper at Dave’s dream. We saw some local color, and received the sideways glances.

S: So, what’s next for the NYGA\B after your exploration?

St: I’m glad you asked Sebastian. A new outfit will be dedicated to the history of our organization. Too much happens without impression on the record! New initiatives include free bike repair for children whose parents are sick fucks.


: We’re going to repair bicycles. I am ennobled by the man-time. We....Doctor Eight has established a cadre of issues to clarify. They will stretch out in time in the worst way and no one will question our authority as the pre-eminent men’s club! Be on the lookout for big-time issue invasion from the NYGA\B I can tell you that. Next question.

S: What are the origins of the NYGA\B?

: Shrouded in mystery no longer! Doctor Eight is a man. He did the right thing after receiving a couple of shafty lessons in life. He contacted people that he heard of several years ago, and they designed the care-giving capital. Our membership is vast, but at heart, there is a sweet center of role-models. I love this club. I’m married to it. No bullies and feeling trying. Cater to none, bun some. I love Doctor Eight. He plays around in the serious ways. You like me? You want in Sebastian?

D.E.: Enough.

: Do I still get to try out? My parents.....


St: Chancre. Slobo-dan.

: Is he okay?

St: Salty.

D.E.: This is the conclusion of the interview.


Tuesday, November 13, 2007

NEW FEATURE: NYGA\B on "The Issues"

Before nancying away, try this on for size: we’re under scrutiny. Several non-profit velvet-pillow ladies have threatened the retraction of their sizeable yearly contributions on account of the “increasingly nebulous” club position on “The Issues.”

Guffaw at the granny-panties but when you’re feeling stretched wide it’s not wise to constrict your conscience, Juniors. It can, and will, bleed out. Senior strategy is a hard-boiled clarifying effort. Deep tissue investigation into “The Issues” will be conducted and then released for muffy consumption. Our immortality will not be clingy vines on this shit, but when have we ever avoided tender sharing?

Pilot Issue: Guns!

Kids play with them! There are popular mental stars that wave them around! The NYGA\B doesn’t endorse or condemn those rocket powered machines called guns. Police wear them like a hot topic! Gangs are groups of people that use these party poles to go on stake outs and hide things from most other people who aren’t in those gangs.

Guns are not physically allowed in the NYGA\B club perimeter, but someone may have fired one. That’s ok! New experiences can really change a Junior’s mind about standing next to that old lady and showing her with his smile that he kind of loves her.

We have noticed that some people have that gun attitude. They talk about an attack that’s coming. There may be an attack coming, but stop talking you tiny bubble. Shave your moustache and take off that backpack. Your gun attitude wouldn't get you detention if you had had club fun to direct your aggression in a positive direction.

Guns: Rocket powered wonders!

(Approved by Stephen for D.E.)